November 21, 2020

I’ve been feeling like there is something wrong with me because I wasn’t that musician who immediately went to her instrument to express herself during the pandemic. I so admire those amazing musicians. I kept thinking… what is wrong with me. I am unworthy…I am not a serious musician or teacher. Instead, I have found comfort in cooking after receiving a recipe from my brother. Some background…my brother and his family and I made a plan to have a meal together – dinner in Scotland and lunch in Tampa, FL. I loved the recipe that he sent to me so much that I ordered the cookbook, and I haven’t looked back. I found excitement, relaxation, and pleasure in preparing meals for me and my husband. Wait, I’m a feminist…not a 1950s housewife. My household doesn’t resemble that, but rather, my husband does all of the cooking and I do the dishes. Easy peasy. Cooking is not like playing a musical instrument or making an oboe reed. I received instant gratification from preparing a meal (taking a picture of it) and then enjoying the fruits of my labor… pun intended. This was truly surprising because I’ve always said that I didn’t know how to cook and certainly didn’t enjoy cooking. Boring! Rather…I wasn’t concerned with failure, maybe because the bar was so low, boiling an egg would seem like an achievement. Ha! I’m beginning to feel some confidence and willingness to try even more new recipes. I’m taking pictures and posting them on FB and IG – yeah me! I’ve come so far…how ironic?! Still, throughout this pandemic I have been feeling, I don’t know, subpar…Why haven’t I performed a recital? Commissioned a new work? Fast forward to today… I was updating my cv and realized I was behind with updating professional development. Big woop, right? So, I looked through my emails and collected the information to add to my cv and website. To my surprise, I realized that I haven’t been a total sloth over the last eight months but rather I’ve been gaining skills in other areas. Since the pandemic shutdown in March, I’ve taken a fantastic online course in entrepreneurship for musicians, built a website, and participated in seven professional development seminars. Well, perhaps I am more worthwhile that I thought I was. I guess I’ve done a few productive things although they don’t seem as tangible as running a half marathon or coming up with a vaccine for covid-19. What’s the moral of the story…I don’t know…don’t be so hard on yourself, stay in the moment? Just be kind to your neighbor because you don’t know what he/she has been through. We’re all in this together.